I predict a GQ Pageant

Romney and Obama will secure the nominations of their respective parties. Sorry, Hillary, women won’t "make it" on their intellects or accomplishments. But rest assured, neither will the men. Besides, I think the public’s waiting for Pelosi. She’s easier on the eyes. For her age, what a babe! Admit it. You’d do ‘er.

Ms. Clinton (notice how Rodham surreptitiously disappeared) has tried to pick up on Barack’s campaign slogan of *change* but she is clueless what the word means in this brave new world. The populace hungers for change all right. They want dapper. They’re tired of 7 years of malaprops and stubbiness with a Southern drawl. Fred, you had the height, but you were wise to get out when you did. The whole Southspeak has been overdone. Ditto Edwards. Tayra thinks you’re *hot* - but she’s chosen enough "next top models" not to know who’s look is in. It’s graceful - statuesque – studied… "Presidential." The people miss that refined aura Slick Willy exuded. They won’t settle for an encore of him as "First Man" though. They realize that Hillary would demand most of the camera time as Prez, and they long for what has become an archetype of the TV generation. No matter how much feminists wish that beauty pageants were about the questions, or even the talent, it’s how regal they appear in the gown that’s more important. (of course, the ascendancy of order caps with swimsuits, but politics hasn’t quite reached that level, yet) Suffice it to say, that Hillary wearing a pantsuit is closer in appearance to Dubya than where she needs to be, to qualify for *change* in the public eye.

Let’s see… Huckabee? Great wit and comedy timing, but not quite GQ. Then there’s that thing about the folksy accent. Definitely, not enough *change* to satisfy. McCain? Is he the strong silent type that will evoke fear in, and respect from, our enemies? Picture Whoopi Goldberg’s hyena cringing at the sound of the name, M-u-f-a-s-a. Uh, na. Giuliani and Paul both qualify as cartoon characters, but with different personas. Giuliani would make a great Elmer Fudd if he got contacts. Hmmm. Paul has perfected that whine, but I’m not sure which cartoon he conjures. Huckleberry Hound? No, wait!!! … naw… too obvious. Neither Rudy nor Ron is even as entertaining as Ross Perot, and he couldn’t make it in ‘92. (btw, Dubya eventually quenched the public thirst for that goofy ear thing.)

Who am I leaving out?

ALAN KEYES

Oh, hell, why break the trend now?